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What did I like to do when I was younger? Where would I loose time?

I’d read or scrapbook in my early teens. But going back even younger I’d play games where I used my imagination and creativity.

I’d play with my dolls for hours, be their teacher, take them on holidays, throw them parties.

I’d play with my barbies and polly pockets. Living out intricate stories where the dolls would go to school or run shops and have sleep overs.

I’d play with my brother with lego. Building big lego worlds for a family who ran a day care centre and went on holidays in a big lego truck.

I’d play with paper and pens. Writing books and stories.

I’d play with my friends and siblings. Being the teacher for bike school, fairy school, scooter school, actual school.

I’d play on my own. Imagining a job for myself where I was the host of a craft show, a secretary for events offices.

I’d play with design. Designing the interior floor layouts of houses, classrooms, fairy shops and craft shops then play out a story in those scenes.

I’d play with young children. Filming our own TV show, planning school games with them, taking them on little adventures.

I’d play with scrapbooking. Loosing myself for hours in the world of paper, photos and creating.

I’d play with my laptop. Creating videos and designing little inspiational pictures.

When I was younger I’d play. I’m not saying I’m old now but I do think that maybe I’ve forgotten the act of play. Of loosing yourself in your own imagination and just trusting your creative process. Not second guessing everything.

Back then I didn’t fear not being creative. Dreaming up worlds and ideas and making plans was fun not scary. In the imaginative games we were in control of how everything happened. There was no fear.

But now I don’t play as much. I second guess all the time if I’m really creative. The plans and ideas I dream up don’t seem like good ideas or justifiable. I let fear take over and let it keep saying ‘What if?’. But it’s not what if something magical happens it’s what if something bad happens.

Sometimes I get in the flow things start happening and I start creating and dreaming and getting carried along a beautiful ride and then all it takes is a pause. A pause in the thoughts and the moment where a single fleating thought or feeling can pass and be gone but in it’s path leaves the thoughts of the mean girl again. The thoughts that say I’m not left handed so I can’t be creative, I’m not trained properly, my art doesn’t look like others I work in hospitality, you’re not a writer. What are you doing? You’re not creative? Things might go wrong.

I read a book the other day by a beautiful Irish author. The last paragraph of the book was a quote about thoughts and moments. How thoughts are fleeting and a lot can happen in a moment, it was beautiful and perfect.

I feel as though I’m reaching a point where I want to play again. I want to create and I want to let go of those what if’s and doubts because playing and creating is what lights me up and fuels my passions.

How do I plan on doing this? I don’t know, well I don’t know logically. But if I pause and allow myself to feel what I need to be doing I know it’s just to release all inhabitions and do it. Let myself explore and create with child like wonder, play and allow the magic to happen. 

I need to remember again that I’m a beautiful being with a light that can’t be dimmed and a love for play and creating, dreaming and imagining, wherever and whatever that takes me. I find joy in the little things that make me happy and that in turn helps the world.

I feel there’s more to this story, how teaching/leading seems to be a common theme, the need to create, and how I sometimes forget to do my own thing instead of what everyone else is doing, little stories that I feel like sharing.

I think I stopped playing as much somewhere along the way which has changed how I think about creating. Too much listening to what others have to say. Too much observing what others do and what they create and how they live life. That’s their story and I have to live mine. There’s freedom in that.

I am free to play and create.

Much love

Caitlin

xoxo

PS Just after I presse publish on this I saw the most fitting quote shared on Instagram by Susana Frioni “It’s not who you are that holds you back. It’s who you think you’re not.”