Hey There Lovely,
It’s been a while since I’ve shared anything here but today felt like a good day to do share some thoughts. I’ve got a little story to tell you about myself and my inner critic/inner mean girl/ego or whatever you want to call it, for the sake of this story I’m going to call my inner mean girl, Janice, (sorry any Janice’s out there, I don’t think you’re anything like my inner mean girl). So anyway this story all started when I saw my Chiro a few months back and he asked me ‘Caitlin, what are your goals?’.
I froze up, what were my goals? All I could think of was the goal to read 40 books this year but I didn’t think that’s what he was implying at. He was talking big goal, like start a multi million dollar ground breaking company type of goal. Ok, maybe he wasn’t meaning that but that’s how Janice interpreted it anyway.
But what are my goals?
The question left me in a bit of a meltdown.
What are my goals? What are my goals? What are my goals?
That one question lead to other questions.
What am I doing with my life?
What’s my ‘purpose’?
How am I making a difference in the world?
Ahh so many questions and I don’t know the answers.
So back to my goals, I have a goal to read 40 books this year but is that connecting with my purpose or making a difference in the world? Janice was saying definitely not. What about some of the other things on my list then? Learn french, finish my diploma in Management, make candles, spend a weekend with my sisters, fly on a plane somewhere.
Janice kept denying all of these as proper goals. ‘She’, Janice/Inner mean girl thought that none of these goals were right. They weren’t big enough, or they weren’t going to help me live my ‘purpose’, or make a difference, or earn me money. She also thought I’d probably fail at any goals anyway. Holy moly is Janice a tough one.
My rather immature response to Janice and her tough ruling was to do nothing. Just to stop, to not read any books, stop making things, and not do anything that I enjoyed, I just watched lots of Netflix and Youtube. Exciting right? Not really. I was also letting Janice win in her mission to keep me ‘safe’.
The less I seemed to ‘do’ the more I felt like Janice was stomping her feet and going “Ok Caitlin hurry up, what are your goals? What are you doing? You’re not making the most of life.” Janice can be really confusing, she doesn’t want me doing something incase I fail or stuff up but she also thinks I should be doing something because that’s what other people are doing. If I saw someone on Instagram or read about a person in a magazine who was all about living their life on purpose, making the most out of each day, sharing their gift with the world Janice would start comparing me to them. She can be so full of attitude and contradicting at times.
So this last week or so I basically got tired of Janice’s BS (which is really my own BS). I decided it was time to put a stop to Janice ruling the show and to say:
“Hey Janice, welcome I know I can’t make you leave but please go chill and let me do my thing, OK?”
With Janice taking a back seat I have been able to get clear on a few things.
Number 1: I decided to embrace where I am on my journey at the moment. To live this chapter to the fullest.
Number 2: I decided to turn back to what I value the most which is Joy. So while reading 40 books, making candles and learning french may not be earth shattering goals they do bring me so much joy. For now I’m going to make joy my goal.
Number 3: As cliche as it sounds I’m going to listen to my heart a bit more and get Janice to take a backseat. If my heart says create or explore I’m going to find ways to do that.
Number 4: Feeling like I need to “Find a purpose” and “Make a difference” has got me in a bit of a rut. I’m realising how I contribute to the world can be entirely different to how someone else contributes, which is more than ok. Me doing me and you doing you is so important. I’m also realising there’s no need to discount what I’m already doing, just showing up as me.
This has been quite a rambly post and I’ve changed it so many times while writing it but I think that’s life, make it up as you go along and for me find the joy in it all.
I’ll leave you with some final thoughts.
What are your highest values? Are they connection, creativity, community, kindness, leading, love, peace?
Whatever your values may be make a goal to do one little thing each day that lets you connect with that value in any form.
If you were to give this chapter of your life a name right now what would you call it?
Step back from your day to day and get an overview of your journey at the moment. You may not know how this chapter may finish but know that it’s an important one in this big adventure of life.
How has someone made a difference in your life recently, big or small?
Reflecting on how someone else has contributed to your life may help you realise how you’re contributing to others.
And lastly know that you’re not alone in feeling uncertain, in having a ‘Janice’ run the show, in getting stuck with what you should be doing in life. I’m in the same boat just trying to make sense of it all too.
Lots of love